In addition to our weekly blog pieces, Crown & Cross publishes a semesterly print issue, a compilation of 9 to 12 pieces based around a singular theme. Since these pieces represent some of our best work, we want to give them greater circulation. So, starting this semester, our blog will post a new piece each Wednesday as individual essays in a thematic series. This semester’s weekly series will be titled “The Great Commission,” the theme of our most recent print issue. Below is the fourth of ten installments.
In my self-doubt and social anxiety,
in the four walls of my dorm room that block out the sound of drills and trucks through the night,
in the safety of friends who love me, accept me, and echo what I believe in,
in the comfort of understanding and the promise of acceptance.
“Make disciples of all nations.”
In my self-serving search for love and fear of loss,
in workplaces where I can use my talents to glorify me,
in cities where I can hear voices of praise and validation,
in spaces where I am known, respected, and in control.
“Baptising them in the name of the Father and the Son and of the Holy Spirit.”
In my self-reliance and hard-hearted denial,
in my carefully categorised life: God-time and me-time,
in my intricately constructed priorities: my needs, my achievements, my desires,
in my cautiously framed dichotomies: me against the rest of the world, heaven’s promises against the world’s culture.
“Teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.”
In my shame, inferiority, and uncertainty,
in false humility that tells me I am not fearfully and wonderfully made,
in voices of criticism that tell me I am not enough to “teach” others,
in fear of hypocrisy that convinces me to return to my shell of passivity.
“And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
In my loneliness and solitude,
I listen —
and hear a Father who loves me, knows me, and has plans to prosper me,
and hear a Son who died for me even though I gave Him nothing and deserve nothing,
and hear a Holy Spirit who accompanies me and fills my emptiness with strength.
In His love and wisdom,
In His sacrifice and grace,
In His discipline and strength,
I delight in changed hearts,
I find joy in new companions,
I sing His praises.
I stumble, I fall, I feel forsaken and discouraged.
I am rejected and ignored, challenged, and ostracised.
I feel unloved, unwanted, disrespected, dismissed.
I want to run back
and stay in the comfort of safety.
No more risks.
But I know
I must go.
Until the ends of the earth will remember Him,
Until loved ones and enemies, neighbours, and strangers turn to Him,
Until the nations bow down before Him,
I must go.
Lilian Chow (TC ’17, CC ’15) is a Hong Kong native but is delighted to be back in New York City on a new adventure God has brought her on. When she isn’t doing homework for classes at the Teacher’s College or teaching teenagers in English classrooms, she can be found sipping on bubble tea somewhere in the city or snuggled in her bed watching TV dramas.